Title: Lurkers
Author: Gillian Taylor
E-Mail Address: gillianpicard@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Category: Humor
Characters: Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Mace Windu
Feedback:  Definitely.  It's the greatest high out there.
Summary: You never know just who might be lurking behind the scenes...

Disclaimer: As much as I wish I could say 'YES!  THEY'RE MINE! MINE!
MINE!' I can't, so I won't. :-)  Star Wars belongs to the Almighty
Lucas, I'm just borrowing them for my own perverse amusement.  Any
resemblance to real life is completely intended, and...who
knows...maybe we do have a certain lurker on this list...

Author's Notes:  SPEW WARNING!  Serious humor ahead!  Be afraid, be
very afraid.  *g*  Thanks, as always, go to Crysta for her hand in
betaing this.  I'll just have to remember to keep sending humor fics
your way while you're at work.

SPEW WARNING!  Yes, really, it is for your own good.

*******

"Lurkers"
by Gillian Taylor

Master Qui-Gon Jinn walked into the living area of his quarters with a
smile on his face...until he noted the obvious lack of any breakfast on
the table.  He and Obi-Wan had agreed that every other day, one of them
would prepare breakfast since the communal meals were notoriously bad
first thing in the morning.   It was Obi-Wan's turn, yet there was
nothing to indicate that he had even left his room.   His almost-anger
faded immediately to concern and he crossed the living area to knock on
his padawan's door.

"Obi-Wan?"  he asked, leaning against the door, "Are you ok?"

He thought that he heard a grunt, but he couldn't be certain.    He
carefully opened the door to look inside.   Obi-wan was alive, but,
looking at the dark circles under his eyes, he hadn't slept at all. 
His padawan was completely absorbed in a large sheaf of papers which he
was holding tightly, occasionally turning a page as he read.

"Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon asked curiously as he took a seat next to Obi.   The
latter grunted at the shift in weight on his mattress and adjusted
himself and the papers accordingly.

"Must be an exciting read," he commented at the almost total lack of
acknowledgment from the younger man.

"Mmm."

Frowning, he decided on a more direct approach, "What're you reading,
Obi-Wan?"

Now, it seemed, he had managed to get through to him.   Obi-Wan jerked
a little, as if he were just waking up, "Just a bunch of stories I
downloaded from the Temple network."

"What sort of stories?"

"Um...scifi."

"I love scifi," Qui-Gon said with a relieved smile, "Can I see them?"
Before Obi-wan could object, Qui grabbed the sheaf of papers and began
to scan through them.

"On the Edge of Forever, Thirty Days and Counting, Bubbles, Urge, Wish
I May?  Are you *sure* these are scifi stories?"

Obi-wan nodded vigorously, "They have a scifi setting."

Qui-Gon was about to challenge his claim when a new voice broke in from
the doorway.  "Urge is that story by Ziggy isn't it?  The Queen of
Angst herself?"

Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon turned shocked eyes to Mace Windu. 

"Mace..?   The Queen of what?"

"Angst," Obi-Wan said, "And yes it is.  It's a good story...how do you
know about it?"

"I've been an avid reader of hers for quite some time, actually."

"Mace, you read romances on the Temple network?" Qui-Gon asked,
shocked.

"They're not all romances.  There are adventures, horror stories,
character development pieces...you name it, it's out there.  I actually
find them a rather...enlightening way to learn about what's happening
around the Temple."

Obi-wan began to turn a very interesting shade of red.  "They can't ALL
be true, you know..."

"Really?" Mace asked dryly.

Qui-Gon began to get the feeling that he was completely missing
something important, "What?  What are they about?"

"They're about..." Mace began, before Obi-Wan interrupted him.

"Nothing important."

"Us," Mace finished firmly, shooting a glare at Obi-Wan. 

"Us?  As in you, me, Obi-Wan..."

"And Yoda, Adi Gallia, Amidala, Anakin Skywalker, Han Solo, Luke
Skywalker, Shmi Skywalker, Leia Organa..." Obi-Wan said, his face still
a bright shade of red.

"And there are romances in there connecting...whom?"

"Well, there's a lot of Han/Luke stuff out there...um...some you/Shmi,
Han/Leia, Me/Amidala, Sidious/Maul, Me/Maul..."  Obi said evasively.

"You and...*Maul?*  That's just..." Qui-Gon began.

"Wrong?" Obi asked, "You know it, I know it, but these authors...they
don't seem to know it."

"There's also another very popular pairing," Mace said, ignoring
Obi-Wan's "shut up or die" glare.

"What's that?"

"You and Obi-Wan."

Silence.

"Me...and my padawan?" Qui asked in shock, turning to face the latter.


"What, you mean you never thought of me in that way?" Obi asked
defensively, even though the effect was rather pathetic given the
current shade of his face.

"NO!" Qui-Gon said, scrambling off the mattress, "You're like a son to
me...anything else is just..."

"Wrong?" Mace said almost gleefully.  Wait until the Sith Chicks list
heard about this argument!  "That was a rather vehement reaction there,
Qui-Gon.  Maybe you need to meditate on it..."

Qui was beginning to think that the deck of sabbacc cards was stacked
against him.  "I.  Do.  Not.  Think.  Of. Obi. In. That. Way!"

"Of course not," Mace agreed amiably, but there was a hint of a grin
lurking around the corners of his mouth.

Gathering what remained of his dignity around him, Qui-Gon walked to
the door, "Padawan, we have training in an hour.   You will put those
stories away and meditate on what happened this morning.  Mace, I'd
like to see you outside."

Obi-Wan grunted, once again re-absorbed in his stories.  Qui rolled his
eyes and left the room, Mace in tow.

'Wait until the list hears about this!' Mace thought again, barely
suppressing the grin that threatened to emerge as Qui-Gon did his very
best to scold his year-mate.  'Yup, he's being a little *too*
vehement.'

"Mace, I just called you a Mandalorian Ox....and you agreed!  You
haven't been paying attention to a single word I've said, have you?"

"Oh I've paid attention, Qui.  Rather close attention.   And you're
still denying it a little too strongly for there to be nothing
there..."

"I'm not in love with Obi-Wan!" Qui said, exasperated.  "He's like a
son to me.  There's NO way I'd think of my son in THAT way!"

"I understand, you just think you're too old for him...believe me, some
of those stories manage to get around THAT easily enough."

Qui's face began to turn a bright shade of red, "That's just...NO!  I.
Do.  Not. Think. Of. Obi. In. That. Way!"

"You said that," Mace said with a grin.

"But you're just..."  Qui took a closer look at his friend, "Wait a
minute, you're just joking aren't you?  Why I should..."

"I was joking..then again, you DID react rather violently to Obi's
question, AND to me...so maybe it IS true.  Just remember, Qui, anger
is the path to the dark side."

"Which is right where you're going!   Right to the dark side of this
planet!"  Qui-Gon growled, taking a step closer to Mace.

In an instant, Mace was on the run, with Qui-Gon following close
behind.

Meanwhile, in the bedroom, Obi-Wan logged back on to the Temple network
and began the process again.  'This is way too much fun,' he thought to
himself, 'It's not often that I get to see my Master quite that shade
of red.  Mace, you're a genius.'  

~*FIN*~