I want; no, I need to tell you that I'm not fine. I haven't been fine since then and if this isn't fixed soon I won't be fine ever again.

I am a fool. And I am a coward. All it would take would be three simple words, but I cannot find the strength to utter them. I am helpless before you and yet you cannot see it. I hurt for you as I am hurt by you, I cry at night, I scream for you, and I whisper your name in as loving a tone as I can muster. I reach for you in my dreams and I have apologized to you millions of times in my mind, yet you never see.

And all it would take would be an 'I'm sorry, Mulder.'

~~~~~~

I have always felt as if I was alone in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs that the sky was falling. I am used to being alone; it was my destiny, I thought, until I met you. But now, now I am alone with you and it hurts more than I know.

Damn me. Damn you. Damn us and our inability to communicate. It was such a stupid fight. I know that I should have told you about Diana before now, long before now, but fear held me back. And look where it has led us.

I deserved all of your words, and I accepted them without comment for the first few minutes but then I too lost control. I told you that I didn't need you, that you held me back, and that I hated you. God, Scully, nothing could be further from the truth. I should have told you that I loved you. I should have bared my soul to you and not retreated behind petty words. I'm so sorry, Scully.

Now, though I sit beside you, it is as if we were galaxies apart. If only you knew the torture that I have undergone every day since that argument. If I could only find the courage to tell you what's in my heart and soul. If I could be strong...but my strength is you. It always has been.

I want my strength back.

~~~~~~

I'm only half-listening to what Skinner is saying to us, my mind still dwelling on the agonizing separation between us. Sometimes, I wonder if Skinner can see how we treat each other now. He did ask me a little over a week ago if I was feeling all right. I suppose that I might have been a little more distant than usual to him, but all I have been able to think about is you. I long to reach out to you, to touch your arm, or to look in your eyes and let you know even subliminally that I'm sorry.

"Agent Scully? Can I see you for a few minutes?" Skinner's voice penetrates my misery.

I nod sullenly, trying but failing to catch your eyes before you left the room.

"Scully, what's going on between you and Mulder?" he asks gently.

I raise my gaze to see compassion in his eyes. After debating for a second whether or not to tell him the truth, I find I still hold a miniscule amount of hope for resolving this on our own. "Nothing sir."

"Are you certain, Agent Scully?" Skinner asks in a tone that I know well. He wants to know if it is going to be seriously affecting our work.

I nod, "Yes sir. We're fine."

"Off the record Scully, do you need to talk?" he asks carefully and though I am grateful for the gesture, I can't speak with him about this distance. It would be too hard for both of us.

"No...not right now, sir," I respond carefully, "Thank you."

"Right, hmmm, dismissed then, Scully. And tell that pain in the ass partner of yours that he'd better fix up his expense reports the next time he's on assignment," Skinner says gruffly.

"I will, sir," I say, leaving the room with my eyes trained downward.

I do not notice my fellow agents as I walk towards the elevators, nor do I notice their sneers in my general direction. It is all part and parcel of the 'Spooky Patrol,' and I welcome their jeers. I am hurting and in a masochistic way, I want others to hurt me too. It would be my punishment for my own stupidity.

Punishment for not saying I'm sorry.

~~~~~~

I stare at the pockmarks in the ceiling, counting the numbers of holes left from either the removal of listening devices or my own pencil-tossings. You used to tell me that I was wasting pencils, or even the ceiling with each toss. I wish that we could have that banter back.

You walk into the room at that moment with your eyes trained downwards. I wish that I could find the courage to go to you, to look you in the eyes and voice the words that have been playing in my mind day after day since our fight. But once again, I let the chance slip through my fingers. Though you're now only a few paces away, we might as well be countries apart for all the conversation that passes between us.

Perhaps if I open my mouth I can find the courage to speak. Perhaps if I look at you and see the pain that you're going through I can say what I need to regain our partnership and your trust.

We raise our eyes at the same instant, and our gaze meets. Words flow between us again and again through our bond. I know through your eyes that you understand what I meant to say. I know that I can relax. My strength is back.

~~~~~

My mind was awhirl with thoughts and sorrow as I walked into our office, my eyes still trained downwards. I could feel your eyes on me as I sat at my desk and I prayed that I could find the courage to look at you. However, like so many times before, my courage failed me. This distance is becoming too much for me to bear, I need you, I have needed your voice and your touch for all these months and I let my emotions get in the way.

Perhaps, if I can force myself to look at you, maybe then I'll be able to say those three words that need to be said.

I raised my eyes to meet yours, once again our subliminal communication working even through our difficulties. Emotions, too intense to describe passed between us over and over again and I felt myself relax. God, you forgave me, but I still had to say the words.

In one voice we speak those words that can bridge the distance between us, and in your voice I find my strength and your love once again.

"I'm sorry."

The End

~~~~~~

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